Postgraduate Diaries| Driving on Fumes.
Disclaimer: The text, grammar, spelling and overall English language may appear to be disjointed in this post.
For the first time in my blogging/journalistic career I have no words to utter to you guys. For the first time in my life my faith and hope in everything that I believed in is beginning to shatter; or at least that is what my mind is telling me. I would love to sit here and be all happy go lucky right now, but the truth is I have been crying for the last 72 hours. Crying over something that I thought I wanted for my self, but in all actuality I don’t. Those close to me keep telling me to stay the course, and don’t give up…blah blah blah blah. That is all I am hearing in my head because I heard it all before. So much before that I was considering in shutting down RebelliousRebel for a while until well my life became perfect.
But before that decision became permanent God sent two of my peers ( Elijah and Micheal) to be words of wisdom. As I cried and sob into the phone to both of these two ( various time) I felt so transparent. Here is the girl that both of these guys look up to and admire for her strength. The female they see push through anything and I do mean anything. But here she was crying so hard as if she was dump by the love of her life.
As cried into the phone barely breathing I kept saying over and over ” Someone has to carry me to the finish line now, I just can’t do this by myself no more”. I been so strong for so long and I never really needed anyone else. In this moment in my life with my health in shambles, me obtaining my degree on the line, and sanity slowly drifting….I now needed a team. A team of individuals to pick me up when I am down. A team to show me the way and remind me that I am not alone in this. A team of good friends who I let my guard down with no matter what. A team of people who see me in this state and not judge me.
As I stared into the darkness of my room and contemplated in shutting down my brand I was reminded not to do it. As Eli stated ” Not right now Bri” or as Micheal stated “You are to close to the finish line”. As the words replayed in my head like my favorite song I knew that they were right. Here they were with me through the night talking me out of making a huge mistake. A mistake that will not only hinder me, but also hurt those that believe in this vision of mines.
So as promise to both Eli and Micheal I am going to share why I am running on fumes. Why I was crying for 72 hours none stop. Why I was going to shut down my blog, photography, and brand. Here is the reason:
Six years ago I embarked on a journey called ” Getting your Degree”. In the beginning I did not want to attend college right after high school. Instead I wanted a year off to breathe and work. Especially since I killed myself in trying to finish high school in three years ( I did do that). But this was not the plan and so I was somewhat sort of push to go. To make a long story short I have not obtain my degree due to one core related class ( math). One core class is keeping me away from obtaining my degree in Communication Arts/Digital Media Arts. I have taken the course three times and right now it is not looking to pretty.
At some point you have to say to yourself….is this worth it? Was this worth it? Was this even my dream to begin with? Honestly I do not think it was. I believe deep within my heart that academics was never my forte to begin with. I believe deep within my soul that I was born with a creative mind and not a technical one. I believe this was the key all along. Nonetheless I sacrifice so much for this degree. I sacrifice my financial stability, and my health for a piece of paper. I sacrifice my grieving for the death of my father during my college days. Yes my father death played a major factor. Try losing a parent on labor day weekend, go back to school right after the death, take a day off for the funeral and return to campus like nothing happen. Imagine spiraling into a series of depression doing anything to cope all the while praying that you don’t end up on academic probation. But through it all I stuck it out even when I considered dropping out.
The reality is that I am in debt, no degree, no dream job, riding on fumes, and living off of coffee. The reality is that some of my bills are paid and some of them are not. The reality is that I am at 129 credits ( need 124 to graduate) and honestly I should be granted grace. The reality is what is my next move if I do not pass this class for third time? Because as I tweeted 2 years ago ” Going home is not an option, and staying in MD is not one either”. What is my next move?
My next move is putting all that I have into the vision that God has given me, and my brand. I am going to make it with or without this degree. I believe now is the time to stop letting man and society dictate how I am going survive in this world. Giving all my worries, voids, hurts, pains, and more to God. Its time to get this dream rolling so that I can be sitting good in a year from now.