” If you stop doing what you are doing, then I’m going to stop doing what I do.”-Boutzie’
I turned 25 last month and RebelliousRebel turned 4 this month. I am grateful to see both my life and vision continue to manifest themselves. Even in the midst of me wanting to quit and check out from reality. I often times get to a point of wondering if anything will change for my life? I guess you can say that I get the blues every now and then. For the majority of my life, I always felt that something was off with me. I knew I had this passionate fire deep within in me that was dying to get out. I also knew that from a young age I was different and odd. I also knew that I suffered from cases of the sadness. And I knew at ten that if I did not get a handle on it, eventually it would cripple me.
Depression, stress and anxiety have always had a little crush on me. They would often times appear with gifts that were in the form of frustration, doubt, worry, and anger. They would throw parties of spazzing and tears that would leave me drained. And they would surprise me with distractions of things, not of my own. I remember it like it was yesterday; the day I trashed my room. I was frustrated because I could not find my house keys. I had misplaced them and was frantically trying to retrieve them. I was nervous because I did not want to get into trouble nor did I want to hear any words of disappointment. In a split second I was standing in my room calm and then out of nowhere I started throwing things. And then in another second, I calmed down and found my keys. At that age of ten, I knew I was suffering from some type of anger. And I realized that I needed to find an outlet or some sort of coping mechanism to keep me together. Together until I was able to seek help and guidance.
Over the course of my life, I realized what catered to my depression. And it was not until when I went to London, is when I realized what it was. I was able to step back and see what was making me unhappy, suicidal, anxious and angry. And during my time there I was able to forgive and forget. Live and let go. See and understand. And acknowledged and hope for the better. I was able to be me in another city and start fresh. A fresh start with a clean slate. And a fire that was finally released from its cage. To burn freely without any hesitation or fear.
The quote above is something that I said to a friend the another day. I said it because I knew why we do what we do. We do what we do because it keeps us sane. Keeps us together in a world full of chaos. And we know that when we do it nothing else matters. So if we stopped, we would die spiritually, mentally and emotionally. The creative life that flows through us has been with us from the very beginning. It’s all we have ever known and will forever continue to know. It is the very thing that fought off and killed the depression, the anxiety, and the stress.
This creative space that God has given me is a safe haven for me and you. I suffer from depression and I am not afraid to say it. I am not afraid to say that I have had suicidal thoughts. I am not afraid to say that God, music, and art saved me. I am not afraid to say that you are never alone in this.
Never let the distractions of your environment, home life, school life, relationships, and whatever else get you down. Rise above the assumptions, the doubt, he/she said talk and the competition. Never let the pain of the childhood experience or lack of support from family keep you down.
Because if you do…….your creative light dims.
And God and the world needs your light.