” Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow worries about itself”-God

RR BOUTZIE

I have never been a worrier, but more so a thinker. A thinker who over thinks everything in her life.  From what she is going to wear, to what she will be in the future, and where she will be in the future. I tend to spend my reality deep within the four corners of my mind. I will often times zone out from my surrounding and think. Staring deep into space and dreaming of what my life could be and should be. Experts would say that I am dissociating and that I have introverted characteristics. But I  beg to differ with that theoretical approach.  I would say that I just have dreams bigger than Baltimore.

I would say that I have always lived in my mind. To escape the reality in which I was being raised in. I come from a city that is full of death, murder and mayhem. Sometimes there is a glimmer of hope and sparkle, but that tends to get washed out. As a child, I wanted to escape that because it can kill your spirit. To grow up around death and destruction can cause one to be dissociating. But for some reason, I always believed that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. A shadow of hope for myself, that one day I would break free from this place.

That freedom came 4 years ago with a sacrifice and a lesson to learn. A lesson to learn that wolves come in sheep clothing and to always stay on guard. To never let them see you sweat. And to appreciate your growth and ability to overcome the odds. To know that you do deserve happiness and peace.  And that your worth is greater and valued than anything else in this world. To understand that you are indeed a force to be reckoned with.

So all the overthinking, over stressing, dissociating and living in a tunnel vision mindset has paid off.  The blood, sweat, tears, fights,  drugs, drinking and partying did not break me. It did not hinder me from reaching this moment in my life. It provided the necessary insights that I needed. The insight that I am glad I experienced my dark days before this major blessing. For the simple fact, I would not want any of that to take place now.

Life will not break you when you keep faith at the forefront. If you keep faith in you, on you and around you, then you will progress forward. Look at everything as a test or lesson from God. He is testing you to see if you understood the lesson. To help you see that this blessing is for you but it is bigger than you. And when you understand the doors will automatically open for you.

My life changed a couple days ago because I decided to stop thinking and start believing. I aligned my plans with God’s plans for my life. My mindset is  on a whole different level. I no longer care about the past and its troubles. I care now for the present and the future because it is looking bright.

So in the words of my father, I am not telling what I got until I got it in my possession. But just know this, my life has changed and it is indeed for the better.